Baby steps

I’m trying to work out exactly how I feel now that I’m on the path of medical intervention to get baby #2.

I am excited about getting concrete answers from an HSG test and then boosting our chances through medication. My hopes had dropped pretty low after two years of trying and only a miscarriage to show for it. Now I feel this year could really be the one.

There’s also disappointment that we haven’t been able to just succeed. Our daughter came along almost as soon as we decided we were ready for her. Why does it have to be this difficult? And why does it all take so long?

My hospital only undertakes HSGs on Wednesdays. So I could wait this cycle out (maybe as long as another 3.5 weeks), try and book the test but not get on the list. That means another cycle delay – potentially 6+ more weeks, and even then not being certain of getting an appointment.

After the test is done we wait for that cycle to finish too, then call up for ‘permission’ to start the clomid. As the first cycle is monitored I can’t just pop the pills and hope for the best! I’ll book in ultrasounds and a blood test for the first cycle. After that, if no problems but no baby, we get to go home and spend up to five more cycles trying with the medication.

It’s easy to get bogged down in the delays (I’ve mentioned before how much I hate waiting!). But I do see that this is such a big step forwards. I have been scraping the barrel for hope during the last few months, and the possibility of giving up altogether seemed real for the first time. I recognise I am just feeling the anticlimax of a great result from my consultation last week followed by a long wait to put the plan into action.

I’m going to try and relax. I can’t let the burden of the whole process overwhelm me today. One step at a time. This morning I walked through the lavender garden in the park and saw the first faint blush of blue. These gorgeous flowers bloom from about now until October. Soon they’ll be flourishing again.

I’m going to put it in that perspective – I’m entering a new phase, one from which I shouldn’t expect results before the lavender fades.